I can’t believe I’d say this after my 9 to 5:30 last year, but sometimes my biggest struggle here, is finding a work rhythm. Its just there’s so much to see, everything to learn and all the possibilities in the world. Please do not mistake this for a complaint, nor for any type of boredom. Indeed, it feels more like a grand dance or ballet: full of random, ever changing, inspiring scenes. An untrained eye would never deny a ballet’s beauty, yet an untrained eye might easily fail to recognize the connected story line, perhaps only picking up a few motifs among the scenes.
I only say this because since my return last week, I’ve been caught in a series of random happenings that remind me of said ballet (I prefer to imagine Swan Lake). I’m certain they’re each beautiful and have enriched my “cultural experience” here, but I’m not positive that they all “count”.
Equally, on my recent trips to the countryside, I’ve had to unlearn years of work style and images of efficiency. After Washington, it was surprising that I’d ever think a “productive day” consisted of meeting a woman who lives in a hut and buying some weavings from her, then just making a presence with the group I want to write about – no interviews, no Word documents, nothing to show for it….
Yesterday I went for a hike with friends and spent a good part of the afternoon playing Red Rover, Red Rover, but also learned a little more about the Ponchos Rojos and some Bolivian folk songs, so I guess I’ll count that as “work” too.
But occasionally, I fear my freedom will steal my dignity. If I’m not productive (outside of my changing world/cultural perspectives) then is there honor in my life? I don’t mean, “just earning my keep”, but that “hard days work” that Pa did in Little House on the Prairie – that’s honor. I’m hoping it’s a false duality: that a rolling stone lifestyle can’t be a dignified contribution to the world…
In any case, thanks for letting me vent. I’ll let you know when I’ve found my rhythm, but if I don’t find it, I don’t think living amidst a grand ballet is the worst place to be in the world.
4 comments:
No need to stress over work, Word documents, and efficiency. There are some of us up here who are doing enough of it for two, and maybe three, people. So just consider it that my gift to you. Please, enjoy your dance! And remember there is dignity in a life lived with the kindness, understanding, and selflessness you have shown.
I do love your references to Little House on the Prairie! They remind me of our Freshmen year, probobly the height of my productivity in college. But who's to say what is "productive" or what "work" is. If I'm in a position where I am not challenged mentally and not really putting all of my effort into the job, am I really "contributing to the world" because of my paycheck. I think we all (we meaning all of us recent grads) go through the growing pains of figuring out what our purpose is and how we're going to accomodate our financial need for a nine to five with the desire to be challenged and be passionate about what we're doing. Something tells me that your rolling stone lifestyle is doing much more to make the world a better place than my ever-growing list of "work" things to do. Happy Freedom!
Pamela
You are such an eloquent writer, Jess. If I didn't personally know you, this is what I would picture in my head as I read your entries: a beautiful, middle-aged woman with long, brunette braided pigtails, sitting at a desk on an outside porch, staring at the ocean, typing on a typewriter, sipping a cup of chamomile tea, and thinking to herself, "how can I be a better person?"
no need to feel so guilty 'bout spending your portion of Condi Rice's budget
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